someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
