If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize