Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
