I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
