Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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