Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
