Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
