My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
