On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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