she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
