If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
