I murdered the dance floor call the cops
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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