Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
