I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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