i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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