I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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