So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
