if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
