did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize