my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
