At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
