fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the condom got lost in my hair
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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