Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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