More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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