I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
