I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
