peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
