How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
