I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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