Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
