A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
