I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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