I think I am morally bankrupt
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
