i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
