You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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