update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
