You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
