You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
So many bounce houses so little time
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
