I will die if light touches me.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
