end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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