Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
The Olympian is in my bed
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
