just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
