You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
