I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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