I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
