Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
