So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
