NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
