Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
