I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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