The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
