Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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