Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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