I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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