i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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