We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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