george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
