I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
