id be glad to
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
this is an emotional support booty call
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
