u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize