and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Text me some of your sweat
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