you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
