I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
