Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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