did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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