Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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